It’s been a year since I have written something. My last post was the first of a series that I wanted to do but didn’t get to complete. And in this one year, I have experienced pain like I have never before. Despite all these years of dealing with grief in various capacities, I wasn’t prepared for what I was hit with. I couldn’t romanticize my sorrows like I usually did. Worst of all, I lost my way with words. I don’t know how to write anymore.
Last week , I was in Incheon, South Korea to present my research paper "Oktoechos Classification in Liturgical Music Using SBU-LSTM/GRU" at INTERSPEECH 2022- which is the Comic Con for nerds crazy about speech and language processing. Yes, I am a nerd.
It all started when I chose chatting with a friend about something over lunch with my mum on her birthday. My fingers were busy typing even as my mother kept calling me.
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression. Even now, as I am writing this, I am grappled by my fear of what my future holds for me. However, despite the years of therapy and learning to love myself, one thing that has changed for me is my friendships.
I know an abundance of people my age or younger who have accomplished multitudes. Wherever I look, I hear about or find celebrated and successful people, my parents' age. Yet, it must be the feeling of contentedness I have with my life that never makes me want to live another.
I have heard and read stories about love of all forms. Young, broken, unrequited, nourished, and so much more. All apparently equally beautiful and worth cherishing.
As I am seated at my modest study table, near my bedroom window that opens to a well-kept garden, I struggle to get a grip over my thoughts that are starting to choke me. Peace is a tricky thing to seek out for. Because, the silence that entails a blanket of calmness could be the most chaotic experience ever.
Being at the cusp of adulthood is probably one of the toughest phases of our lives. More often than not, we are posed with enquiries about our future plans. It’s not surprising that many of us get through each day, rummaging through past decisions, mistakes, regrets, heartbreaks and doubtful moments, that we forget to look forward to see what’s lying ahead.
